“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.” Rainer Maria Rilke
Last week, Liz wrote a beautiful blog about the “me” in “we.” She talks about not only her time away, but how important it is for all of us to have time away. It’s time to recharge ourselves. Remember who we are. Indulge in some sleeping, reading, good food, and even just some quiet. It’s good for our selfhood.
But the truth is also that it is good for our partners and our union. After all, our very self is who they fell in love with in the first place. So, making sure that person is tended to, nurtured, and available is good for them.
It’s been a few months since I went away to write for a few days. And I loved it. I got quite a bit done and reminded myself that I do love to write, and need to cultivate space for writing. But it was also good to have my partner texting me to tell me he missed me. And it was even more heart-warming to have him welcome me home with an authentic “What did you write? Can I see it?” I love that he loves this about me. He sees me. And that’s good for me, and him, and ultimately, of course, us.
So, yes – you do you. You nurture you. Because if you neglect you, not only do you suffer, but your partner and the sacred space between does, too.
Sarah has been crafting custom weddings for couples of all kinds since 1999. Sarah is a Ravenclaw, and loves mythology, historical fiction, hot tea, and cycling of all sorts. She is an ordained minister who believes in coloring outside the lines. Sarah has been married to her best friend, Joe, since 1994. Together, their greatest treasures are their two children and the marriage they’ve worked hard to cultivate.